Ready for divorce!

My step-daughter, Veruca picked up that there was an “imbalance” in her parent’s relationship and started playing us up against each other. I was getting resentful because she was getting away with murder, and my husband (No. 2) just coddled his daughter further into becoming more and more impossible to live with! No. 2 fell for her manipulation hook, line and sinker. She’d take something I told her and twist it around to make herself look like a victim in her father’s eyes – who’d get upset with me first before finding out the truth. After this happened three times in one week, I decided to withdraw from her (emotionally), for my own sanity and in an effort to safe my failing marriage. I thought that if I distance myself from Veruca, she’d have nothing to gossip about with her dad, who in turn won’t have anything to fight with me over.

Boy was I wrong!
Veruca noticed I had distanced myself from her and wanted to know from her dad why I am upset with her.
You will not believe No. 2’s response!
“Gabi is upset with you because she doesn’t want to be with us, she wants us out of her life.”
WHAT?????
And I only found this out a week later after No. 2 had to go away on business and I had no choice but to take care of Veruca. She was insolent and disrespectful towards me which resulted in a screaming match and the truth of what her dad told her, came out.
I was furious!
No, I was beyond furious.
I was LIVID!!!

I phoned No. 2 right then and there and asked him if it was true – he immediately realised there was hell to pay at our house, and guess what he did next…..? He phoned his sister and arranged for them to pick Veruca up and let her stay there until he comes back from his trip! To keep her safe from his evil, cruel wife who must surely be in the wrong for being upset with his princess again.
Yet again, the step-mom became the villian.This even infuriated me more!!
Veruca was on cloud nine – because daddy is upset with her me again – how dare I raise my voice or get upset with at his little girl?!

I prepared for a divorce. I had it. I was done. Finished with this life of bending and crawling and questioning my own sanity and resolve. I had no life. I had a step-daughter who delighted in the breakdown of my relationship with her father.

But it didn’t end there. When No. 2 came back two days later, he had already arranged for Veruca to stay at his sister’s for the rest of the school term. He didn’t want a divorce and wanted to use this time to work on our marriage. You could have blown me over with a feather! I thought it a bad idea to remove Veruca from her home, no matter how rude she had become. No. 2 again made decisions about Veruca without talking to me, and his emotional decisions regarding her has become damaging to all of us.

Veruca is now seeing a Psychologist and we have enlisted for marriage counseling. Veruca came to visit us for the first time after the big fight (2 weeks ago) last weekend, and we were as close as ever – after we had said our “I’m sorry’s”. Children! I realised she just needs a mom, and was all over me the whole weekend. We've always been able to work our issues out without No. 2's interference.

No. 2 and I are now living quietly together without any tension or fighting since Veruca moved out. However, my stomach still turns whenever I imagine the next time Veruca is difficult, or spiteful, or manipulative. (As all children sometimes are) Don’t know how No. 2 will react. Lord knows I hope the past does not repeat itself! Even though the time apart from her is hard on us, I cling to the hope that the sessions with the Psychologist and living with No. 2’s sister will make a difference in her attitude.

Enter in our  Marriage Counselling…….

Before Counselling

Before I get to our first counselling session last week, I want to fill you in (as briefly as possible) on how married life has been thus far…

Veruca was 5yrs old when I met No. 2 and 6yrs old when we got married. That first year of married life was more difficult that we could have ever prepared ourselves for. By then No. 2 and his daughter had spend most of her life alone together, while her mom was in-and-out of rehab. The only thing that No. 2 thought was necessary for him to do as a parent, was to make sure that his little girl was fed, was happy and had clean clothes to wear! I.e: She ran their household.

Before I could even start to be a mother to Veruca, I first had to explain to No. 2 why boundaries were important (and it had to be confirmed by the Physiologist who briefly treated Veruca), why she had to have a routine, why it was important for her to eat healthy and why it was not cute for him to give her a whole sausage roll and french fries to eat in one go! At age 5!! For goodness sake!

You see, most mothers struggle to get their children to eat at all, fearing that their children are too skinny. My problem is on exactly the opposite side of the scale – my step-daughter can eat a plate of food that I struggle to finish and then still ask for more!!

No. 2 didn’t always agree with me and couldn’t always see the need for change, but he at least agreed to try it out. We were able to slowly introduce healthier eating habits, bed-time routines and boundaries. We suffered a lot of tantrums, shouting, screaming and crying from Veruca. The issues she has with her mom in rehab obviously also played a big part in her behaviour. We had lots of talks with her, gave many hugs through the tears and offered lots of love.

By year two our family was more stable and Veruca was a joy to raise. Yes, she was still very strong willed – but so am I. J It was still very hard for No. 2 to let me deal with Veruca when she was defiant or unruly. But by year three he realised that we get along far better without his interference. That was a big step for us! Veruca and I were like two peas in a pod! Inseparable!

But: There were still many instances where No. 2 would override me in front of Veruca, where he would cut himself off from me when we had a disagreement and then give all his attention to Veruca, leaving me alone. Almost like a deliberate act of rejection. I never truly felt part of their lives. Unfortunately No. 2 has only confirmed my belief with his actions. Although he has verbally denied it many times and told me that he loves us both but in different ways and that there is no competition between us, I was not persuaded.

I often felt like the nanny – only good enough to care for my step-daughter. When she gets upset about anything, it must be my fault. Right?

When she is happy, I get love from my husband.

When she is upset, I am rejected by my husband.

My step-daughter became the third person in my marriage.

And then there were three.

Fast forward 3 years later, and after spending a horrific Christmas and New-Years with my over-protective husband and his coddled 9yr old daughter, I was ready to call it quits. No really – finish and done! No more bending over backwards, no more checking my tone of voice whenever I spoke with my step-daughter, no more walking on eggs around her, no more feeling like an outsider in my own home. I’ve had it! Years of struggling and fighting and crying and begging and praying and fighting some more, finally took its toll. I wanted a divorce! Now!!!

Let me just add this: Over the past three years I have been lucky enough to have been able to build a strong and loving relationship with my step-daughter (yes I know it doesn’t sound like it in my previous paragraph but just hear me out….). Her mother has been in-and-out of rehab all her life, which left No. 2 all alone with the responsibilities of mothering and fathering his daughter. He did the best he knew how – and for that I have to applaud his efforts. But because he felt guilty of what his daughter had to endure since early child-hood, he raised her without boundaries! Ting-ting! Problem number one.

They were basically alone together until the time No. 2 met me (up until she was 5 years old), so she naturally started to take on the role as the woman-of-the-house.  Ting-ting! Problem number two.

Being a single parent is not easy – it is really very hard. So I honestly cannot blame No. 2 for raising his daughter on junk-food. Maybe I can – but I choose not to go there (I have lots more to be angry about). Now join this fact to an addictive personality (a gift her mother left her) and what do you get? An overweight girl who will steal and lie to satisfy her need to overindulge. Ting-ting! Problem number three.

Add in to this mixture the emotional problems caused by an absent mother on a little girl, an over-protective passive aggressive father, and a husband who only knows how to care for his daughter and not a wife... and there you have it…. My life!

So then the question may arise: What is this blog about? After everything mentioned so far, I have decided to give it another go.

Yep.

I have!

No. 2 apparently loves me very much and agreed that we go for counselling. So I thought it good to write about our journey to recovery. Maybe all will work out well? Maybe it will end up in divorce. I don’t know. But I am sure that I am not the only step-mother faced with this dilemma.

So let the ride begin……!