Before Counselling

Before I get to our first counselling session last week, I want to fill you in (as briefly as possible) on how married life has been thus far…

Veruca was 5yrs old when I met No. 2 and 6yrs old when we got married. That first year of married life was more difficult that we could have ever prepared ourselves for. By then No. 2 and his daughter had spend most of her life alone together, while her mom was in-and-out of rehab. The only thing that No. 2 thought was necessary for him to do as a parent, was to make sure that his little girl was fed, was happy and had clean clothes to wear! I.e: She ran their household.

Before I could even start to be a mother to Veruca, I first had to explain to No. 2 why boundaries were important (and it had to be confirmed by the Physiologist who briefly treated Veruca), why she had to have a routine, why it was important for her to eat healthy and why it was not cute for him to give her a whole sausage roll and french fries to eat in one go! At age 5!! For goodness sake!

You see, most mothers struggle to get their children to eat at all, fearing that their children are too skinny. My problem is on exactly the opposite side of the scale – my step-daughter can eat a plate of food that I struggle to finish and then still ask for more!!

No. 2 didn’t always agree with me and couldn’t always see the need for change, but he at least agreed to try it out. We were able to slowly introduce healthier eating habits, bed-time routines and boundaries. We suffered a lot of tantrums, shouting, screaming and crying from Veruca. The issues she has with her mom in rehab obviously also played a big part in her behaviour. We had lots of talks with her, gave many hugs through the tears and offered lots of love.

By year two our family was more stable and Veruca was a joy to raise. Yes, she was still very strong willed – but so am I. J It was still very hard for No. 2 to let me deal with Veruca when she was defiant or unruly. But by year three he realised that we get along far better without his interference. That was a big step for us! Veruca and I were like two peas in a pod! Inseparable!

But: There were still many instances where No. 2 would override me in front of Veruca, where he would cut himself off from me when we had a disagreement and then give all his attention to Veruca, leaving me alone. Almost like a deliberate act of rejection. I never truly felt part of their lives. Unfortunately No. 2 has only confirmed my belief with his actions. Although he has verbally denied it many times and told me that he loves us both but in different ways and that there is no competition between us, I was not persuaded.

I often felt like the nanny – only good enough to care for my step-daughter. When she gets upset about anything, it must be my fault. Right?

When she is happy, I get love from my husband.

When she is upset, I am rejected by my husband.

My step-daughter became the third person in my marriage.